blooming

I mentioned I am weeding through all my photos and doing some back posting. not the kind of weeding I would prefer to be doing right now, but better now than later.

I did take a break on saturday and clean up our unsightly front yard. there is some zero scaping going on up the street. the new desert looking rock gardens are making me long for a lush green yard out front. a wise woman once clarified, it's supposed to be xerascaping, people not ZERO. that wise woman happens to be my sister and it's her business to know.

I have sung the praises of DIG design before and she recently began blogging for my benefit. and yours too, of course. her blog is all about helping us make our yards bloom into the yard of our dreams. and since my yard will need to be done in the smallest of baby steps, I am glad that is part of how she works too. and not just for me but for anyone.

for now I am going to enjoy these next few cloudy rainy days and finish up my indoor weeding. but I look forward to the coming sunshine when I can begin transforming our yard into something akin to this. until then I'll just check out her blog for some great spring tips for the garden. join me - just click on that cute button on my sidebar - then get out and dig!

the challenge

the girls play nice for Chinese new year

at the beginning of this week I crawled into bed next to John and lamented over the day. our girls are screaming more than ever before and creating waves with each other over nothing at all. there is sibling unrest on a daily basis and my lament is that I fear they are mimicking me.

after an evening of angst, particularly with the littles, and a few remarks that I truly wish I hadn't uttered, John issued a challenge. NO MORE YELLING. I immediately knew he was right and I needed to take the bait. but I also felt this was going to be impossible. if you happen to know me in the flesh, you know I am naturally loud. yelling is how I am herd over the echo of the house. it is a habit so ingrained I don't even realize I do it. growing up in a family of six children, there was naturally a lot of yelling. and that has carried into my adult life, and worse my mothering. and what I am more ashamed to admit is that I throw fits. tantrums. unleash tornado's of aggression to get my own way. and all in the name of do as I say not as I do.

so you can imagine that with a great example like me, my kids are gems. but there is hope. after most of a week of me yelling less. (old habits die hard) I hear a noticeable difference. in me. it will take them longer to learn from a new example. it's nice to realize that when I talk in softer tones, I act in softer tones. not to be confused with being soft in the middle, mind you. but calling to them rather than yelling for them has made a difference. and with only three IOU's in the jar, that's not a bad for the first week.

there is a long road ahead, a long and bumpy road. but no road was more worth traveling.

some encouragement HERE.

the dry spell

it's been a month since my last post and at the time I had a reasonable explanation for my absence.

and after spending more $$ than expected on fixing that problem - the result being a repair on our family PC which was not cheap, but was effective enough to solve some of our computer woes. my particular problem, the wifi connection was not one of them. but another fix was made available and although it means being plugged in to use the web, I can! oh sunny day.

that was about two weeks ago and I haven't made it back to blog land until now. I think the hiatus did me some good. my blog drive had waned, and that's ok. but today brought some inspiration. and being as it's day one of the month it seems a good day to put a few words here. but these are those few - since today is the birthday of our second daughter, it must be enough!

can't wait to share a yummy recipe and some birthday review.

until then enjoy the lambing this month began with, I hope that the lion will make an appearance before spring officially dawns, our snow pack could use a few more inches. happy sunshine friends!

my canundrum

hey there blog land!

I've been away a while now. nothing new there.

so much has been happening, busy is not at all new either.

what is new is the pain in the knee my Internet has been.

our wireless router is playing games with me.

and since that is my only after bedtime link to blog land,

well you get the idea.

so I will keep trying to squeeze it all in sometime during the daylight hours,

while the home computer is unoccupied by the professional in the house.

until then here is a teaser as per the last post:

I have finally defined my true desire for the finished decor in my home.

and no girls, it isn't scandic white. yeah, I was surprised too. but it's me, and I know it.

my better half was busy while I was away basking in sunnier weather and there is

graphic evidence that needs to be shared.

I have been putting way to much effort into our school read a thon.

the lesson here is: DO NOT flake on a PTA meeting, even if your leaving town.

or because your simply a flake.

you end up selling your soul and every waking moment to make up for it.

and finally -

I have been dreaming of a steaming bowl of delicious chili since Halloween,

but avoiding it for all the meat content.

my sister shared the most delish veggie chili and it must be proclaimed from the hills.

all this pent up blogging to do.

but, until my Internet and lap top can reunite I bid you adieu.

(insert sob and sniffle here)

intentions

( little girls doodle on our regifted easel.)

since Christmas my intentions have been to get things done. lots and lots of things. several projects still hide in their proverbial corners waiting for my attention. so many I feel almost schizophrenic as I hop from project to project in my head. each time I pick up a new train of thought on a different project I easily establish my line of attack. only to forget minutes later as I study the problem on a new thought. it's like I am constantly doodling my ideas and desires, only much less productive. this week I was reminded of a post a popular blogger shared over a year ago. I remember this post clearly and was so glad to be reminded. we choose what we do.

and this post is about being productive and not my lack there of. good things continue to jump to the front of the line. unexpected good things. a call to help with a PTA project. a play date with a cousin or unexpected friend. a bit of work to help pay the bills. unexpected good things. one of those was this.

saturday my cute sister in law called with the offer of a table. I missed her call and missed out on the table, but as a consolation prize she offered me this desk. an old teacher desk she picked up second hand and no longer had a use for. yes please. storage space for all the crap I kept atop my old kitchen table desk. lovely. so I have spent a few days whittling down piles of old bills that need shredding or filing. and man the improvement is vast. it's just comical how you can't even tell! but a good thing that replaced the sewing I had planned for my spare moments. and now the old kitchen table can retire to my "sewing room" to house all those projects! and those projects won't need to be cleared from our current kitchen table every time we have a meal. see the progress? see the good? yeah, me too!


which brings me back to my schizophrenia. this is what I got for Christmas! SUCH an improvement for this room. I was on cloud nine when I accidentally stumbled on it's hiding place two days before Christmas. but in making this change I find myself antsy to finally put this room together. I keep telling my other personalities that I am not intentionally letting others in line ahead of them. I know that I should be dealing with the several projects I have already invested in, but I just can't help it! and dream doodling never hurt anyone right?

so this is what I want to doodle about. and since my budget is literally $0.00, doodling is about all I can think to do. so, I thought I might put it out to you, my friends. many of you frequent design blogs or just have a knack for making houses homes. I am looking for fun suggestions of ways to "decorate on a zero budget". does that even exist? the hope that a piano will get tucked into that corner on the left is also a work in progress. any ideas how to move a piano without the help of your male counterpart?

so share, friends, share! what suggestions would you make? where do you like to find great detail items without big ticket prices? or just great ideas, thoughts on what might be fun on that big blank wall! picture links and online sources quite welcome. for me I will be doing my dreaming in a warmer climate. welcoming sunnier weather and actually taking the time to hit the pavement and get my run back on. all in the good company of mom and sisters. sounds wonderful. happy doodle dreaming all.

no time like later

because I must go to the bank, pick up from playdates and ready myself for a night out.

this MUST READ will have to wait until later.

thank you John for sharing the spiritual enlightenment.

movin' and shakin'

this week so far...

finished the Christmas take down.
reorganized the closet to house the Christmas take down.
done laundry.
tidied the kitchen.
done story time at the library.
was dressed ready and ON TIME for story time.
been to the grocer, twice.
gathered more material for remaining Christmas projects.
created lesson plan for joy school.
done laundry.
gathered materials for joy school lesson.
finished at least one project on the sewing table.
vacuumed two out of three floors.
done the dance carpool.
overhauled the playroom, in anticipation of joy school.
over seen homework, bath time, and bedtime.
completed some overdue mending.
seen one movie.
done laundry.
and done it all on veggie juice alone.

let these good times roll!

musing on the season

I didn't want to let this first day of the year pass without posting. it has been a few weeks and so much has gone on in our little world. and I have been so distracted, and burned out, very little documentation has happened.

once our home was prepared for the holidays, we did our darndest to enjoy everything about it. the family, the advent, the spirit, the fun. and the stress.

we planned to hand make as much of Christmas this year as we could. John crafted a killer rocker, but otherwise this meant mostly I would be the one responsible if any gifts were missing under the tree. not an entirely new situation I know. although the tag said it was a gift from someone else, it was mostly my hands that pieced it together. so the stress mounted. slowly slowly building. until I finally blew up for no apparent reason at my family gathering. chalk one up for bringing the focus. (so family, if I didn't look you straight in the eye and apologize - I am sorry. please forgive me. I am still feeling the guilt, but ready to let it go. that's what new years are for I hear...)

Christmas Eve came and no, not everything was done.

and it was still the best Christmas ever.

and there are still several projects tucked about our house waiting for me to find the time to sit and work on them. (at least I am at no loss for projects for provident progress nights!)

I learn something every year about this season. I size it up for next year and I think "I will start earlier" "I will get it right next year." I promise myself. I fantasize. I visualize. I make myself truly believe it. and then reality sets in. it's inevitable.

a friend stopped by the week before Thanksgiving and happened to share that she was done. not a single thing remained on her list of to do's. I wanna be her. but I am not.

I would visit my sisters perfectly decorated home. I wanna get that right, like she does. but, so far I haven't hit that mark.

I read crafty blogs and watch them whip up neighbor gifts, family gifts, hip Christmas decor all with time to spare and more creativity to share. items beautifully crafted that are meaningful to those who receive them. although my skills are increasing, I am not the sewing goddess I long to be.

and this is where my inner scrooge begins to wail. and my cravings for me time begin to surge. and I begin to battle internally over what should be a joyous time for our family. this is my reality. and yes, it stings a little, but I recognize I am all limitations. and yes I know those things don't really make "Christmas." but who doesn't long to get it right just once?

so each year I hope.

and every year, one thing turns out better. I refine my intentions. I accept those limitations. and I fantasize and visualize and I believe I can do better. and every year, although I never quite hit the mark; I do better. at something. and that is success. I accept that.

this year I saw amazing success with our new advent. a new tradition I will carefully refine for next year and keep. maybe adding another to focus our scripture study on Christ.

the items we made, all winners. next year I will start sooner and be a little more discerning before we begin. it's time to start sharing my machine with smaller hands and teaching them skills to use on Christmas gifts to come.

each success brought joy. and each failure, brought hope. hope that if I keep trying I will find what works for me. because ultimately we need hurdles to overcome to really know we are growing and achieving. so here is to looking forward. with a brightness of hope.

may 2010 bring us all brightness. best wishes from our home to you.

the art of love

(great grandma carters stock pot, now serving the fifth generation of chicken soup)

we recently went the rounds with that nasty cold that is hitting households state wide. such illness is the prime reason chicken soup was invented, I believe. and being short a few key items I called upon my mother for a few missing ingredients, so as to avoid the grocery store. suddenly this ginormous pot was at the ready, along with the needed, and very appreciated missing ingredients.

the pot belonged to my great grandmother, who happened to spend the majority of her life just across the street and down a little. in a darling, once white house with yellow trim. she and her sweet husband were it's first occupants. and that house remained in family hands until just a few years ago. it has housed cousins, visiting aunts and uncles and cousins, and most recently was the permanent home for my once far away grandparents, until their health required another change of scenery. I have many memories of that place. most with family. some light and others spiritual. many of my mother checking in on her sweet grandma. her house was the go to spot for most every family wedding and baby shower with room in the yard for the quilt frame and body's, plenty of room for kick the can and hide and go seek, too.

it was a sad time when the home was sold. and I am very curious what changes have occurred to the structure. it has changed hands many times in these past years. and each time a for sale sign stands in the front yard I feel a bit of heart ache. I long for that home to house the happiness it once knew.

but that ache is easily extinguished. it only takes a phone call to a sister, a request to a mother, a night of provident progress, a chat with a neighbor friend, or simply reading one of your blogs to recall the bright feelings of love. a love that does not "change hands" but only grows stronger when shared with loving hands. as was shared with me many times within the walls of my great grandmothers home, at my parents house and now within the walls of my own home, just up the street a little. because it's not the house that gives me longing, it is the women that the place represents. and the legacy that they left behind, is ongoing and thriving. it's a stock pot for soup, but mostly it's a hand to uplift, a shoulder to cry on, a smile on a grey day, a service without end. a legacy I hope I am passing on my own daughters. because I know it's not just from me these lessons are gleaned.

in the bedroom

this week we have experienced illness. I have my fingers crossed it was our version of that flu that's in the news, but it hasn't hit us all as of yet, so I can't be sure it was that highly contagious bacon gombu.

after four nights of listening to coughing and whimpering from the other bedrooms I was just slightly fried. so when I ran upstairs to find that my sweet husband had made the bed, it made me a little giddy. so of course I grabbed my camera. and that sunshine. I am so grateful for the spot I get to spend my nights. next to the best match I could ask for. and the mr. mom hat he puts on every morning as we rally the troops for school. my days are so much better when he is in them.

and then of course the girls, fresh from their sick beds, had to rush into the action. making my smile widen. I am so grateful that 2 out of the 3 are recovered, and hope by some chance that #3 just won't get it?

and you just can't beat that sunshine. life can be really good.

(I am hoping to share a project I have been longing to complete for this spot. hoping I get to show off soon!)

attitude of gratitude

(john and our girls cozy down for bed, summer 2009)

two days into November and it's time to be thankful.


today I struggled a little with this. some days things feel heavy. and you forget the goodness that is your life. that was how I felt this evening.


eventually it was bed time. and as I sat combing ruby's hair it began to seep in.
joy. understanding. hope.
I watched as grace and ella were in thralled with john in our nightly reading of scriptures.
I felt it then. gratitude for the four most precious things in my life. my little family. and no matter what is in our future, I get to keep them all forever.


and to help me keep that feeling, this month each post will be filled with just that, gratitude.


life is good.

my hobby, is not a hobby....

although we have been living in our home for a year now, I feel I have done very little to put my stamp on it. my winter was too clouded for nesting, and the summer brought the revelation of why the clouds would not part. suddenly I feel more like myself than I have in way too long and it's starting to show.

Recently my sister Jessica organized a night of Provident Progress. an evening for the women in our family to get together and work on our "project to do lists" together. getting and giving input as wanted and encouragement as truly needed. since our move the lampshade on this poor lamp has been in disrepair - a true embarrassment if you happen to know who my parents are. with this 'craft night' looming near I had an inspiration! I know how to make my own lampshade, duh. with a little help from mom and dad to help me get rolling, you know with all those lampshade odds and ends I don't happen to have lying around, I set out to complete my first provident project. and I must say it is striking.

my lamp is happy, I am happy, and even better - John likes it too.

all hand tucked and in mint condition. for now...

John has been chiding me lately, about getting a hobby. I used to think this little blog was my hobby, but recently this hobby has been more a neglect. the next close second is dreaming up projects for the baskets of fabric in my craft room that long to be introduced to my sewing machine. and since my blogging days could be numbered, I am thrilled to have two nights each month I have no reason not to get something done. looking forward to my hobby of dreaming, becoming a hobby of doing.

garden delights

my accomplishments seem few and far between today.

that is true most days.

for every one post I accomplish here,

there are ten or more that fall through the cracks.

today I needed a little focus on the positive.

this area has been a big positive lately.

and I am already excited to make improvements for next year.

the abundance of tomato's has been thrilling.

eating green beans I hand picked myself exhilarating.

I am on cloud nine over those darling little pumpkins - a bakers dozen.

I even have one "big one" that if given a little more time could really make me proud.

that butternut squash is a killer. literally.

a lovely turn out for my first official year of veggies.

and many lessons learned, with some definite missteps and some fortunate resilience.

next year I will start earlier. I have only been harvesting tomato's for the last few weeks, grateful for our mini Indian summer. already mourning the many greenies that will fall victim to autumns chill. industrial strength cages to support the tomato bounty are a must.

artichokes will choke whatever is next to it. broccoli feel victim to it's spikiness.

no more vine veggies - pumpkins are cute, but I don't eat them.

and that butternut, a beautiful mammoth, is just too much for my little garden spaces.

and starting from seed. it just didn't work for me this year.

except those fabulous green beans. a trellis is a definite must.

along with planters for more herbs - basil, I love thee and long for your sister herbs.

looking forward to mothers day 2010 to get these ideas into the ground.

can't wait to see some new ideas germinate and grow!

but today I am pleased with my baby steps.

a madsen for Mandi

we have these friends.

we've known them since John was in his undergrad at the U.

that's been a little while now. and now they are business partners.

during those first years we knew each other they had twin boys.

one of their sons was born with Hydrocephalus and will never leave their care.

and she is so happy in her service to all her boys. she is really an inspiration.

the other day she blogged that she would love to have one of these bikes.

this would enable Caleb could join their family on family bike rides.

and since biking is such a big part of their family life, I think they should have one too.

so I entered the contest to win.

with every intention of giving that bike to Mandi if I happen to luck out.

if you feel so inclined to help my friend, check out the button on side bar.

here is hoping that one more chance makes a difference!

diggin it

so in my lack of blog activity I have grossly over looked many things. one BIG item being the birth of my sisters gardening business! this gutsy gal quit her day job, in the face of all this economic turmoil, to follow her dream. design and cultivate gardens. and she is good at what she does. her wealth of knowledge is one I love to pick over as I dream of the day when my yard might look like a magazine article in Metropolitan Home, or Sunset Magazine. I did mention I was DREAMING right? the biggest difference is that Jess can make my dreams come true - well except the magazine part, I mean I do know how to live in reality.

her business plan is designed with the do it yourself type in mind. which I think is quite genius, I mean she is my sister. and to add to my conviction: I am not the only one to sing her praise in that regard. you can hire her for any level of service - just need someone to talk over ideas and consult, she is your gal. want a plan and a list of plants, she can do it. want more in depth help, she can provide the plants and place them just so in your yard for you to come and lovingly deposit in the rich earth. she will work by your side holding your hand each step of the way. she also coordinates well with landscapers who may be on your payroll to put their backs into it, if that is what it takes, until your yard is the magazine dream as well. interested in getting some things done before the cold weather sets in? give her a call! just click on that new button on my side bar to get all the dirt. (he he he!)

I am truly looking forward to the day I can post pictures of my dreams when they finally come to fruition at Jessica's capable and talented hands. stay tuned though, it may take just a few months to get me started...

week three and into four

that's right folks, the journey isn't over even if the juice fast is!

last week saw the end of my fifteen day juice fast and cleanse. a week ago tuesday morning I met with Elizabeth for my last visit for a few weeks. we did a final stone cleanse, "bringing down" the "stones" accumulating in my gallbladder and kidneys - and people there were hundreds. weird little green aliens that I am happy to have leave my body. but the journey didn't end there - I still have a few weeks of candida treatment and we discovered a stomach bacteria that if left untreated would lead to ulcers and gastritis. but no, I still have a long way to go on this journey. some womanly issues I still have to work out as soon as I can afford the price tag of some services. and hoping that my endocrine system will balance out with the help of my OB and a healthier lifestyle.

so as I have slowly introduced solid foods back into my diet I have been TRYING to maintain mostly vegetarian fair. and I am happy to share that I am changed. this process has brought an abundance of education and opened my eyes to real food. I have gone about under the presumption that I eat pretty healthy. and oh, I was so wrong. being a label reader and avoiding high fructose or hydrogenated whatevers doesn't mean you are healthy. anything in a can or a bag has been processed to some degree and is, by it's processed nature, not healthy. we are taught that drinking milk formulated to grow a baby cow into a half ton bovine, will help us become skinny and make our bones healthy. while the truth is that you will absorb more calcium from a few stalks of broccoli, while avoiding all the fat. and then there was my lack of vegetable consumption. one side of veggies at dinner does not a healthy eater make, even if I did eat fruit by the bushel!

learning more about our food sources alone has opened my eyes. so many things I balked at I am now learning there is more to understand! a friend who has long endeavored to feed her family fresh mentioned this little article. scary to think that the FDA actually thinks it is OK for us to eat just a little poison on our foods. and as I have pondered that issue I remembered this! which led to this TIME magazine article about buying local and what that implies for our own community.

we all wear our own rose colored glasses, and I am no different. this process has changed my view and although I could go off the deep end I am doing my best to keep it all in check. my new mantra is veggies first - emphasizing our vegetable consumption with a little side of meat - or even none at all - most meals. but not to worry! if your invited to grace us for a dinner, you won't starve! I invite you all to come give it a try!

PS - and just so you know, I am feeling better than I have in a VERY long time! this week I have been on my bike and I can't wait to see how my running legs fair. super woman watch out, here I come.

week two

while I run off to visit Elizabeth, I have had the blessing of being able to leave my girls with their Grandma April. when I finally return to retrieve them they have been sunned, swimmed, visited the zoo, had tea parties, played Lego's, been generally entertained till they need a nap. I have been so grateful for her willingness to help me begin this process and return a better person, literally, inside and out. THANK YOU APRIL, from the depths of my shiny clean insides!

over all this was a very good week. Monday was my best day yet - on the fast and in the past few months as well. my energy level was high and my strength was strong. I do a candida "shot" every three days and so the day I take the dose is usually my best out to the three, and you guessed it that was Monday. but the day was so good I was able to assemble a very tasty and pretty healthy lasagna for my family to ingest - I could not have done this any other day of the week. Tuesday and Wednesday were still good days, but I felt the effect of the infection on those days as my body worked to control it again. I hadn't felt hungry in days, but Tuesday afternoon, whoa nellie was my tummy turbulent! but I made it and love that I can feel my body working hard against thing I am fighting. and I am grateful it is this and not so many other things that could be more permanent and debilitating. so every few days I have a dip, and then I rise out of it and then I dip again. I have six more doses to ingest, but that seems like nothing compared to juicing.

we had family to dinner on Wednesday and temptation was high, but my will was strong. Saturday brought another family party and I was probably at my worst that evening, but still made it through - only licking my fingers once after cutting and passing out some cake.

starting Wednesday my regimen changed and I began adding organic pressed apple juice to my juice diet - yummy - to help soften the stones that have inevitably formed in my gallbladder and my kidneys. along with a daily shot of lemon juice and olive oil, which tastes surprisingly good, as well. that day I was told that I was wrapping it up! she felt we could conclude the detox/cleanse by the following Wednesday! by Friday the prognosis was even better, I am scheduled to conclude this phase of my journey Tuesday morning! she will "bring down" my stones that morning and when I leave I will be allowed to eat some kind of solid foods - not sure what kinds yet, but chewing almost anything sounds like a treat! it's almost too good to be true.

I tried to go for a short run on Tuesday morning and was shocked at how difficult it felt. my heart and lungs felt great, it was my muscles. my strong long lean muscles I spent so many months working so hard to build, not so strong anymore. I have a ways to go to knock this thing for sure, but I know I can meet the challenge. one thing I have learned for certain in these last two weeks, I do get to decide how I will react. so often I think I have reacted, and done so poorly. but through these experiences it has truly sunk in. I am in charge. and I knew I could do hard things, but now I know I can do really really hard things. this has been really hard, but I did it. and I can keep on going, the beginning of a journey that will last the rest of my life. anyone want to join me?

week one

the week before I began my cleanse, I took every liberty in my diet. as I look back, I went on an eating frenzy. I ate whatever I felt like and paid no attention to nutrition. I thought that since I would be "depriving" myself of good food for an extended period of time, I needed to live it up. I had stopped running the week before that so I could have enough energy to help my sister move into her home, keep up with my kids, and get our home organized and cleaned in case I had NO energy after the process began. the weekend before I began my cleanse was our anniversary and I was grateful to be able to have that night to celebrate with John. I spent as much time living in those moments of eating as I could possibly revel in. and I paid for it. when I stepped onto the scale come Monday morning I had added a few extra pounds.

I met with our "witch doctor" Elizabeth King the Monday of that week. Elizabeth is a native of South Africa and has a much different view of our picture of health than any doctor I have met. you can read all about her philosophies and get answers to questions on her web site, http://www.thecoloncleanse.com/ . her diagnosis of what my body needs was long and varied. some of the things she pinpointed, unhelped by me, were problems I had lived with since I was really young. I felt very enthusiastic and determined to get well after meeting with her.

Monday I had my first session of colon hydrotherapy and was given my veggie juice "prescription" - carrots, cilantro, dandelion leaves, kale, chard, celery, black radish, beets, and ginger. I officially became a juicer and I began taking a few other supplements to help cleanse and heal other digestive organs. from that point on I have had veggie juice for every meal. the first couple of days were hard due to hunger pains, I knew and expected that it would take my body time to adjust to not eating and digesting food. after the first two days I felt really encouraged, I didn't feel overly hungry my energy level had risen a little. I felt well rested and most surprising I didn't feel sick. I had heard people say that as they under went a cleanse they felt like they had the flu, drained and sick. gratefully I haven't felt like that so far. the juice is satisfying in that it really curbs the hunger and my energy level, although I wouldn't try to run a marathon, I am not running on empty at all.

my plan of action has been to avoid handling food as much as possible. this has worked to some degree, but I still have to be sure my kids are eating and I can only impose on my sister and mother in law so many times during the week to feed my kids lunch. John has been very good about getting them dinner, but regardless meal times are the hardest - watching people eat is not easy. I am surprised at how driven we are to put food into our mouths. and it isn't just a survival instinct - my temptations seem to be much more emotional.

my determination has been pretty good, I was positive about all of it up until probably Thursday night. it had become harder to suck down the juice, which is not the tastiest stuff in the world. and the monotony of eating the same thing for every meal has become really wearing. Friday was a very hard day; I broke down and cried a few times. first I cried to Elizabeth, who I know to be a tough cookie, her advice was to "just do it and get it done." then to John once as he comforted me in his arms, and then again as I laid on the floor ridiculously sobbing. looking at it now I believe my emotional energy was low, so therefore so was my physical energy, I was spent trying to get our home in order to have visitors. we were having friends over and I knew there would be treats and I felt so sorry for myself to need to abstain. I kept dwelling on it all day long, making it the focus of everything I was doing. surprisingly I made it without much trouble. I had my juice just before everyone to arrived, and as I watched them place treat after treat on my table I was completely in control. I felt good and not overly tempted, by the goodies. but I allowed my self indulged pity party to carry into Saturday, and that made it a hard day as well.

I am all too fixated on the fact that I can't eat, that seems to be what is bringing me down. the juice is filling enough, but not any ones idea of a tasty meal. Friday I felt I deserved a little reward for making it so far and had a little lemonade, it was not as satisfying as I expected, didn't even taste that good. to be honest I am just longing for more variety and the strength to sit and eat with my family. but my determination is intact - I only fear I have thrown a wrench in things because of my little reward! I feel a little low but I also feel pleased that I can count one week down. my hope this week is that it will go faster - that this will feel more normal and I won't be as consumed by the task of juicing and avoiding food. I began an additional candida cleanse on Friday and I am waiting to see how that changes how I am feeling - as problems try to resolve themselves they are brought to the surface, so I could begin to feel a lot worse.

I am learning a lot about our bodies ability to heal itself. and about the amazing amounts of nutrients we deprive ourselves as we eat our "western" diet. I am eager to learn more and to help improve the health of our girls by teaching them early what foods they need consume so they can avoid the problems John and I had developed. I want to share a little more on that, because that is one of the more exciting parts of this process - that by doing what I am doing I am creating a way to heal myself. what an amazing organism we live in.

the shadow of what I once was

I feel ashamed at the lack of blogging on these pages, but life is life and right now my focus is not here. some of you know what I have been "dealing" with, but for those of you who don't here is the skinny.

I had been doing a lot of running since last January in anticipation for two big races I had agreed to run with family. first the Salt Lake Half Marathon and then the Ragnar Wasatch Back Relay race. the half marathon was in April and I ran it well, but not feeling my best. I had been running enough by this point that every time I would run I SHOULD feel great and getting stronger, better at it, and that was not the case. each time I would run, whether long or short, it was becoming harder and harder. my one saving grace became my tenacity. something I didn't know I actually HAD, which in itself is a great discovery. but I could run as far as I needed through sheer will, telling myself I could do it, all the while wishing I could just lay down for a while. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. other minor problems began to surface, some emotional and some physical, none of which I thought were connected to each other. I began to feel more depleted during the day if I ran, and at this point I should be benefiting from more energy due to the exercise. but rather than feeling the benefits, I just began to feel more and more like a shadow of myself, not the stronger more vibrant person I was hoping to become. I was more and more transparent in everything I was doing, feeling spread thin but not taking on anymore than I already had on my plate.

at the beginning of June, just weeks before the relay race, my sister and her family moved into our home while they searched for a home to occupy on their own. we began to run together and things felt a little easier, but still I should have been stronger and more powerful and I noticed it more when I ran with others. it bothered me. it came to the point of me being unable to accomplish a simple days worth of activities if I exercised in the morning. I could choose to run, or I could choose to be a mom. I didn't have energy for both. the relay race came and went and I survived it, but could tell I didn't do as well as I should for all the training I had. don't get me wrong, I know I did fine, just not where I had expected to be. and from here things began to be worse. I slowed down on my running to try to ease some of the muscle aches I had developed, but the pains didn't go away. John and I attended our Pioneer Trek and I felt I barely made it, when I should have been stronger then some of the boys. something was very wrong and I was beginning to be fed up with it.

I seemed perfectly healthy, no one would look at me and say I was sick. I had been a pretty strong runner and accomplished a lot toward my goals of health, I thought. but I was tired of being tired and so I decided to see what I could do about it. I began with an alternative approach, expecting to find I was just deficient in iron or a vitamin. what I learned kind of rocked my world, I actually am sick. the problem that surfaced was a yeast infection called Candida - a total body yeast infection that infects your organs and blood as well as your muscles. it affects your moods, causes memory loss, and was slowly taking over my body. the people I was talking to about this predicted that my lungs and heart were only working at 60% at best. my muscles were unable to absorb the amino acid they needed to become stronger and my body was fighting to maintain the strength I was pushing to increase. I was aching in strange ways, waking from a good nights rest and feeling I had lifted weights all night long. I would look at pictures of our family and not recall articles of clothing or things we had done. my moods were very sour and that is putting it well. I had tummy troubles every two or three weeks and constantly felt nausea if I didn't eat right when I felt hungry. I was told there is a growth on my uterus, which would explain some of the odd pains I felt when I ran. I have always known my laundry list is longer then I care to admit - but the underlying problem seems to be the Candida.

here I would like to interject that I am not chronically ill. I am fine, and am getting better. had I not began to be frustrated by my lack of energy I would have become chronically ill. as it stands, I feel grateful that I was measuring the amount I could accomplish in a day to the amount others accomplished and found myself lacking. and when you begin to accomplish even LESS, something more must be wrong. I didn't believe I was just THAT lazy! at this point I began to be very prayerful about this situation, thanks to many family members and a cousin who is trained naturopathic physician and has been a wonderful sounding board, and help in this situation. I was interested in doing what is right for my body, and not just mask a problem that could return.

as I began to read and learn about this infection, I first felt grateful I wasn't as sick as many I read about. I felt relieved to have caught it earlier on while I was still functioning on a mostly normal level. and then I was grateful to know I could treat it without the aid of antibiotics and anti fungal medications, the likes of which would surely determine my immune system would be lacking by the time flu season hit. so I have chosen to visit our local "witch doctor". a tongue and cheek nick name for a woman who is helping me to heal from head to toe, literally. her methods are unconventional and may sound strange, but I have been under her care for three days and am already feeling better than I have in months. I am undergoing a colon cleanse. a process that will rid my body of the acids and toxins that are preventing it to function properly, and healing my colon and entire digestive tract so that it can properly absorb the nutrients my body needs to completely heal. from there I will work with her and my cousin to be sure I know how to keep things in balance nutritionally, so I can live and normal and energetic life!

John has encouraged me to blog about this journey. and I hesitate to even share this epistle of woe. I am in really good shape, and don't want to sound like I am self pitying here. I don't want to scare anyone off or share too much, but I feel that what I am learning is really valuable. this is a monster I helped create, and this is a journey I want to record. it is also a process I know not everyone would agree with, so I truly hope I don't offend or climb upon a soap box here. but I do so hope you will bare with me as I try to do it here in blog land. because I also know I could use all the support I can get! my hope is that through this process I become more than I have ever been able to be. there are problems we are addressing that have plagued me since babyhood and contributed to this situation! and I hope that as I do share this journey I will again become less transparent, that I can step out into the light and shine brighter as myself - the mother, runner, wife, friend, disciple, biker, seamstress, and person I have always admired but not had the energy to strive for.

loving....

friends ready to lift my spirits.


sunshine in the mornings.

summer rain in the afternoons.


books with happy endings.


time alone with my one and only.


my own public library.


anticipating a birthday celebration.


having a mostly crossed out to do list.

a completed and successful ragnar.


the desire to take inspiration and turn it into some reality.


being the Ma to this Pa for our stake Pioneer Trek '09.


butterflies when I am ready to try something challenging.


walking barefoot on warm cement.


looking for solutions rather than just seeing problems.


feeling creative.


big hugs and happy salutations.