the shadow of what I once was

I feel ashamed at the lack of blogging on these pages, but life is life and right now my focus is not here. some of you know what I have been "dealing" with, but for those of you who don't here is the skinny.

I had been doing a lot of running since last January in anticipation for two big races I had agreed to run with family. first the Salt Lake Half Marathon and then the Ragnar Wasatch Back Relay race. the half marathon was in April and I ran it well, but not feeling my best. I had been running enough by this point that every time I would run I SHOULD feel great and getting stronger, better at it, and that was not the case. each time I would run, whether long or short, it was becoming harder and harder. my one saving grace became my tenacity. something I didn't know I actually HAD, which in itself is a great discovery. but I could run as far as I needed through sheer will, telling myself I could do it, all the while wishing I could just lay down for a while. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. other minor problems began to surface, some emotional and some physical, none of which I thought were connected to each other. I began to feel more depleted during the day if I ran, and at this point I should be benefiting from more energy due to the exercise. but rather than feeling the benefits, I just began to feel more and more like a shadow of myself, not the stronger more vibrant person I was hoping to become. I was more and more transparent in everything I was doing, feeling spread thin but not taking on anymore than I already had on my plate.

at the beginning of June, just weeks before the relay race, my sister and her family moved into our home while they searched for a home to occupy on their own. we began to run together and things felt a little easier, but still I should have been stronger and more powerful and I noticed it more when I ran with others. it bothered me. it came to the point of me being unable to accomplish a simple days worth of activities if I exercised in the morning. I could choose to run, or I could choose to be a mom. I didn't have energy for both. the relay race came and went and I survived it, but could tell I didn't do as well as I should for all the training I had. don't get me wrong, I know I did fine, just not where I had expected to be. and from here things began to be worse. I slowed down on my running to try to ease some of the muscle aches I had developed, but the pains didn't go away. John and I attended our Pioneer Trek and I felt I barely made it, when I should have been stronger then some of the boys. something was very wrong and I was beginning to be fed up with it.

I seemed perfectly healthy, no one would look at me and say I was sick. I had been a pretty strong runner and accomplished a lot toward my goals of health, I thought. but I was tired of being tired and so I decided to see what I could do about it. I began with an alternative approach, expecting to find I was just deficient in iron or a vitamin. what I learned kind of rocked my world, I actually am sick. the problem that surfaced was a yeast infection called Candida - a total body yeast infection that infects your organs and blood as well as your muscles. it affects your moods, causes memory loss, and was slowly taking over my body. the people I was talking to about this predicted that my lungs and heart were only working at 60% at best. my muscles were unable to absorb the amino acid they needed to become stronger and my body was fighting to maintain the strength I was pushing to increase. I was aching in strange ways, waking from a good nights rest and feeling I had lifted weights all night long. I would look at pictures of our family and not recall articles of clothing or things we had done. my moods were very sour and that is putting it well. I had tummy troubles every two or three weeks and constantly felt nausea if I didn't eat right when I felt hungry. I was told there is a growth on my uterus, which would explain some of the odd pains I felt when I ran. I have always known my laundry list is longer then I care to admit - but the underlying problem seems to be the Candida.

here I would like to interject that I am not chronically ill. I am fine, and am getting better. had I not began to be frustrated by my lack of energy I would have become chronically ill. as it stands, I feel grateful that I was measuring the amount I could accomplish in a day to the amount others accomplished and found myself lacking. and when you begin to accomplish even LESS, something more must be wrong. I didn't believe I was just THAT lazy! at this point I began to be very prayerful about this situation, thanks to many family members and a cousin who is trained naturopathic physician and has been a wonderful sounding board, and help in this situation. I was interested in doing what is right for my body, and not just mask a problem that could return.

as I began to read and learn about this infection, I first felt grateful I wasn't as sick as many I read about. I felt relieved to have caught it earlier on while I was still functioning on a mostly normal level. and then I was grateful to know I could treat it without the aid of antibiotics and anti fungal medications, the likes of which would surely determine my immune system would be lacking by the time flu season hit. so I have chosen to visit our local "witch doctor". a tongue and cheek nick name for a woman who is helping me to heal from head to toe, literally. her methods are unconventional and may sound strange, but I have been under her care for three days and am already feeling better than I have in months. I am undergoing a colon cleanse. a process that will rid my body of the acids and toxins that are preventing it to function properly, and healing my colon and entire digestive tract so that it can properly absorb the nutrients my body needs to completely heal. from there I will work with her and my cousin to be sure I know how to keep things in balance nutritionally, so I can live and normal and energetic life!

John has encouraged me to blog about this journey. and I hesitate to even share this epistle of woe. I am in really good shape, and don't want to sound like I am self pitying here. I don't want to scare anyone off or share too much, but I feel that what I am learning is really valuable. this is a monster I helped create, and this is a journey I want to record. it is also a process I know not everyone would agree with, so I truly hope I don't offend or climb upon a soap box here. but I do so hope you will bare with me as I try to do it here in blog land. because I also know I could use all the support I can get! my hope is that through this process I become more than I have ever been able to be. there are problems we are addressing that have plagued me since babyhood and contributed to this situation! and I hope that as I do share this journey I will again become less transparent, that I can step out into the light and shine brighter as myself - the mother, runner, wife, friend, disciple, biker, seamstress, and person I have always admired but not had the energy to strive for.